SSA and the Local Church: time to heal the hurt

2011-02-10T06:22:00.001-08:00

Next month we'll be hosting the "God's Grace and the Gay Men and Women in our Churches" on Wednsday (evening) 9th and all day Thursday 10th March, 2011. This will be at St Elizabeth's Church of Ireland in Dundonald, Belfast. We're grateful for the use of their facilities.

Speakers at this conference represent significant leaders in their fields, from far and wide:

Alan Chambers President, Exodus International
Christine Sneeringer, Exodus International (Worthy Creations)
Jonathan Berry,Director, True Freedom Trust
Rev Thomas Yap, Anglican UK University Chaplain and Psychotherapist, Redeemed Lives UK
Andrea Minichiello Williams, Director Christian Concern and the Christian Legal Centre
Leslie Pilkington, Christian Psychotherapist
Dermot O'Callgahan, Member of Genral Synod, Church of Ireland.

With the increasing normalisation of homosexuality in our culture and churches, many Christians are caught in the crossfire of sounding too harsh or too compromising. How can churches effectively reach out to gay men and women without compromising what the Bible says about same-sex intimacy?

To be (really) straight with you

2009-10-15T11:58:00.000-07:00

I'm looking forward to seing Lloyd Newson's "To be straight with you" coming to the Grand Opera House in Belfast, and part of the Belfast Festival at Queen's. It' s to be followed by a panel discussion "To be really straight with you" after the performance on Thursday night October 22nd. I'm invited to participate in the discussion, with Lloyd, Peter Tatchell and others.

Hear part of the discussion here.

The performance looks at gay rights, civil liberties, religious and cultural perspectives including those in the UK and some Muslim countries. The play ran in London at the National Theatre and was most recently at the Dublin Theatre festival. It later tours to Los Angeles and around Europe. The performers are from DV8, one of the most cutting edge companies making work with and for audiences using remarkable performances from dancers, visual designers and set makers.

According to the press release: Among the panelists discussing the play's themes are human rights activists, gay rights campaigners and religious representatives including Peter Tachell who has been campaigning for human rights for over 40 years, on issues of democracy, civil liberties, social equality, environmental protection, peace and global justice; Clare Hackett who has been working in the coluntary and community sector for many years. She helped to set up the Falls Community Council's oral history (Dúchas); and Lloyd Newson, whose work since 1986 as Director of DV8 Physical Theatre has had a dynamic impact on contemporary dance by challenging the traditional aesthetics and forms which pervade most modern and classical dance. Dr Mike Davidson, Director of Core-issues, a Northern Ireland-based Christian initiative seeking to support men and women conflicted in spirituality and sexuality issues and Dr Mamoun Mobayed, psychiatrist and president of the Muslim Family Association in Northern Ireland.

A similar event was held at the Dublin Festival, broadcast on the RTC radio programme, Arts Tonight, where you can hear the pod cast.

The forgotton group

2009-03-30T02:30:00.000-07:00

The really important thing evident in Professor Michael King's survey published this week in my view, is the fact that it points to a significant sub-group of individuals who are unhappy about their sexuality, and willing to look for professional help in working out this important aspect of their lives. Sadly, they are not likely to get this help, except from a few marginalised professionals. The concerning thing is it looks like the majority of psychologists, therapists and psychiatrists have little empathy for their concerns. If they get involved, after all, aren't they going to be accused of quackery? - essentially defined as wanting to change people's sexual orientation.

I'm sure he is correct in his concern that whatever support is given to this group, is responsible and the therapy modalities evidence-based. I'm afraid if he thinks the the helpful modalities are all 'talking' therapies, he is mistaken - in my view. One thing to be sure, its doubtful that any UK therapist is offering 'Conversion' therapy - I don't even know anyone offering 'Reparative' therapy, (all therapy is reparative I thought?). They may be offering 'gender-affirming' therapy, and I would guess that a significant part of that approach is around 'action' rather than 'talking'.

Another really important outcome of this survey is Professor King's intimation that it is possible that the numbers of health care professionals captured in the group he refers to, is likely to be understated. Its doubtful that many counselling practitioners would feel confident of talking about the support they offer -not because they have anything to hide, but because if they do they'll probably get into trouble. So if they can't talk about it, are they ever going to look for funding to research the area?

I also think Professor King's paper is dogmatic on the question of 'evidence' relating to whether or not 'change' can and does take place. He's surely not doubting that change takes place since most people know that it changes with or without (and inspite) of therapy or ministry - all of which argues that sexuality isn't necessarily fixed, but fluid. Not since 1973 when homosexuality was removed (by APA president at the time Robert Spitzer and his colleagues), has there been much public money spent on researching this area (except by ‘Special Interest Groups’ within the APA and RCP in the UK).

Earlier research by Spitzer (two video's available) is important, although he himself acknowledged its limitations. He called (a while back) for more empirical work to be done. Yarhouse and Jones (2008) seem to have offered an example of a prospective study in response, although once again the sample is small. King argues this isn't reliable evidence because it isn't a 'randomised clinical trial'. Will Professor King get such trials, (or the subjects for such trials) especially when the subjects of such studies are likely to be ridiculed as "complying with their internalised homophobia" or in some may being less than authentic because they don't want to express homosexual feelings. Perhaps other kinds of research methodologies need to be considered since after all, we're not dealing with a mental illness. Tanya Erzan's Critical Ethnography might be helpful as one such example. I just don't think we know enough yet to make such dogmatic claims - in either direction.

In the end the argument comes down to whether or not being "Gay" (a social-political identity) and having issues with homosexuality (feelings and/or behaviour) is the same thing. The issue is, if we conflate the two, we are likely to take Professor King's apparent argument that 'change' is impossible or unnecessary. If we don't see them as necessarily the same thing, then how could we defend mental health workers failing to support people who want to self-determine their own sexual identity and practices, and still be equitable? Even the APA is cautious now in insisting that there is a simple biological pathway to homosexuality, and calls on mental health organisations and professions to guard individuals' rights to self determination of sexuality. I don’t see the same caution reflect in this paper.

"It's okay Dad"

2009-01-29T00:06:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about my dad recently. It troubles me that I don't miss him, even though I was at his bedside when he died in my home almost a decade ago. I think it's normal for sons to miss their fathers - or am just an idealist? I've told myself a story about my dad and my relationship to him that I am now being forced to think through again....

My dad was a rugby player, he loved cricket. He went to racing - horses and cars. He was a bloke's bloke. At 16 he ran away from home in Stanger South Africa and joied the military. Not long after he was fighting the Nazis in Italy and North Africa. It was clear to me that he loved male company, felt at home in it and knew the secrets of camaraderie. As a little boy, I couldn't access this world. It felt hard. It smelt strange. I didn't understand its language, gestures, and codes. I felt different.

I don't remember my father ever talking about his home or his childhood. Once he mentioned his time in a Catholic boarding school. He did well academically and in sport, but then left school to join the war effort...

I'm in a psychodrama session, and I'm the protagonist - the focus is on me and the issues I want to work on. I talk about my father and my mother, and the director - a therapist - says "let's meet your father". So as you do in psychodrama, I chose someone from the group to play the role of my father. The individual I chose to be my dad knows nothing about my father. "Be your father" the director says to me - "we need to meet your dad". "Hello, what's your name?" she asks me. "I'm Bob" I respond. "Hi Bob" and so it goes until the person in the role can take on something of his persona. We role reverse to get more information. "So tell us about your son Michael" the director then asks me. And so the drama progresses until more is known about my father any my relationship with him. Then the work takes a turn I didn't expect. "Do you have any other children Bob?". "Well yes I do. My first born died in infancy..." This was my elder brother we never spoke about in our family.

The drama progresses and through it I recall the only anecdote I have about my brother. My dad is in a taxi, in what was then Northern Rhodesia (Africa) driving to the cemetery. At his side is his best friend George. Both men have heavy hearts. In my drama, I can feel my father's heaviness, his broken heart, and the weight of his hurting wife still in hospital aching for the child who had lived only one week. She is pained that she cannot be with her husband and the tiny casket. The enactment finishes with him putting the tiny body into the cold African earth and this young man leaving part of his own life with that tiny baby. His son. His only son.

It’s a long story, but my learning was this: The story I had told myself - that my father didn't spend time with me because I was no good at sport and because I had no feel for the man’s world he had found himself being nourished in, was probably inaccurate. I began to see the guilt a midwife (my mother) would carry when she loses her son. I sensed the deep investment my father had for his son and for the tender vulnerability that contrasted the war that had ravished the world and my father's young life. And I could see for the first time that my father's absence in my life wasn't because of who I was, or wasn't, or what I could do or couldn't manage to do. It was because of where he was in his life, at that time.

A few months after my brother's death, my mother was pregnant again - determined to save her next child. I was born premature (a portend of my impatience according to my wife). I can't be sure of this, but I suspect my mother's investment in me her replacement child was so great, and my father's sense of loss yet unresolved, that he had no option but to surrender me to my mother's needs. My dad just wasn't there because he couldn't be. I'm beginning to see that actually he made many attempts to get to know me...

Only six months ago my wife and I went to see my mother who lives in the South of England. I asked about my brother... "You said his name was John, right?" I'd long suspected there was something of a mystery about his name. There was a pause... "I didn't want to tell you - I thought it would hurt you....” I knew what was coming. "His name was Michael, Michael Robert the same name as you have". And then I knew that my role in the family had been as a replacement child. I certainly had been loved, and wanted but...

I'm beginning to see my Dad's place in all of this and the liberating thing is now I know that my Dad's response to me was nothing really to do with me. It was where he was, where he was with my mother, where my mother was etc. For some reason this has helped me to recognise that some of my low self-esteem issues can be traced to these early dynamics. Most of all it has taught me that it’s not true to say that my father didn't love me. For the first time I could have empathy for him. And I feel at peace with my dad. Its okay I understand. I'm not sure you had much of a home. Thanks for all you did give me.

So what! SSA is a just another struggle

2008-03-31T08:53:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about my own journey recently. I know this blog is about 'the church' and SSA but perhaps there is something of relevance to how local churches relate to individuals overcoming homosexuality that may be of interest in what I share...

For most of my life I have been in conflict. Both my Christian identity and the fact that I knew I was attracted to men were aspects of my being that were in deep conflict. I've gone round the block on this issue - 'God doesn't condemn the desire, just the acting out of those desires....' 'God loves the sinner, He hates the sin' etc. It has always been difficult for me to understand why this issue is not dealt with at conversion, because I am convinced that the Biblical position is that no-one is created with such desires. I remember how foreign it was to me to be told that we have a 'story' we should value, and although I know that its was these issues that brought me to repentance ( or perhaps, more correctly, brought me to seek repentance,) I could never really value homosexuality either as a life-style or as a drive within me, even if the pain of it led me to seek Christ.

I suppose now I see that sexuality 'just is'. I didn't chose to have these issues as a young boy and then as an emerging adult - they just were always there. But the truth is I felt so condemned by this reality, that even a deep and lasting conversion felt tainted by the pervasiveness of the issues that surround same sex attraction. I don't see homosexuality as intrinsically a part of myself in a physical sense. I see it as a voice - the voice of old pain - something like a barometer that tells me something about myself...

What has changed in my understanding and experience, that relates to my 'identity' is this: I no longer feel condemned by having to work through these issues. Instead of turning on myself, condemning myself, I just recognise this fact about myself - that God has called me to escape this part of my life and to find new patterns of being, and expressing my sexuality. Here's the point, I'm not living in the self-condemnation of 'Giant's castle' as I think CS Lewis referred to.

I think it's been inevitable for people like me, when hearing 'the church' preach against homosexuality, to fail to value who I am in Christ and thereby to stand against any condemnation of manifestations of my being that don't express the mind of Christ. I'm not expressing this well.... I'll leave it there and edit this again. I just wanted to express a new foundation in my life : one in which I have no condemnation - only a gracious call to find fulness in Him. I guess I can now value 'my story', and at the same time I can see this struggle in perspective. After all, its just a struggle.

Spontaneity and Creativity (and the 'cultural conserve')

2008-03-27T01:06:00.000-07:00

I've been far too busy to bore anyone with blogging my activities. I like to be busy. I fixed, and cleaned, and painted, sanded, filled, hung curtains, shopped, painted some more, learned the trickeries of wood-filler and sensed a rejuvenation in my spirit and life. Perhaps for me all of these unusual activities were just some needed recreation.

It's made me think of the value of creativity within us human beings. The image of God I expect is most closely expressed in this side of our beings. I've been reading some things by J Mareno, the psychosocial psychiatrist and father of 'psychodrama', an action method that distinguishes itself from the traditional 'talk' therapies. Something that he said captures my attention quite sharply. Let's see if I learned anything...

Dayton's (2005) The Living Stage, is a really accessible introduction to the field of social drama and the triad that Moreno was fond of using: psychodrama, sociometry and group psychotherapy. Anyway, Dayton has a chapter, which relies extensively on Mareno's writing entitled: "Spontaneity and Creativity versus the Cultural Conserve". A cultural conserve is a kind of fixed form - a film for example, or the Fifth Symphony of Beethoven. Beethoven's creativity and spontaneity is captured in this music, forever. As such it becomes part of the property of the public domain, in which everyone can share. It almost assumes a sacred quality to it. Mareno recognises the value of cultural conserves in maintaining stability and continuity. He urges that 'the category of the moment' the here and now, not be allowed to over-shaddowed by the cultural conserve. The moment, he taught is the doorway to our own spontaneity and creativity. Dayton makes this observation:

Prophetically, Moreno foresaw a time in which cultural conserves might become so common that we would spend our own energy not as the creator but as the imitator; our personal lives would lose some of their spontaneity because we would spend our precious hours trying to get our lives to mirror cultural conserve or a thing already created and reproduced thousands of times... (Dayton 2005:66)

Moreno was afraid that such imitation deadens our personal creativity, and that when the conserve rules we feel like failures by not being able to be something that actually doesn't exist. I guess Christians would related to this as the dangers of idolatry. Moreno then goes onto describing the personal conserve, an equally conserved set of thinking, feeling and doing that drives our individual lives. The value of this is in understanding our personal conserve can help us to know how to work with ourselves more intelligently. Exploring the personal conserve might mean that we (Ibid : 67)

(1) look into where and when this pattern began
(2) understand the relational context in which it got set up in the first place,
(3) look at the present day to understand what parallel circumstance triggered the conserve response, (why we act as we do); and
(4) look at other possible ways of being or doing in response to any given stimuli.

This model allows us to refrain from pathologising behaviour by providing a picture of behaviour whilst still providing directions for change. For me that's the kind of roadmap I need.

Learning lenses and ghettos

2008-03-20T03:21:00.000-07:00

I'm an Academic Developer by trade. In essence I work in Higher Education contexts to improve teaching and learning and the life-chances of learners who are obtaining qualifications. I have worked with both academics and students. There's an interesting parallel between my work in the university and my work in 'the church' (I think.)

Learners are never of one type - every learner comes with a whole lifetime of experience. When we close the door of a lecture room, we don't shut out the world of the learners. They bring this with them into the lecture room. It affects the way they see things, and how they hear the material being presented to them. They respond differently. Some learners have difficulty learning, some learn in spite of the lecturer! I wonder if the same thing isn't true of those who sit in churches? I wonder if we don't hear things according to the lens that colours our lives? The lens of our histories for example, to name only one.

Sometimes lecturers tell me about the poor students they have. These may be home students, or international students. Their immediate reaction is to send them away to get "the help they need" (Or simply, to be 'fixed'.) Usually there aren't the resources to allow such a remedial approach, and lecturers decry the fall in academic standards. Yet this is the challenge. The reality is, apart from any luxury of special support, lecturers have to get involved with actually teaching people to acquire the skills they need to access the disciplines they represent. Yes, teach!

Now in 'the church' the age of sending people away to get fixed - those who struggle with various issues - I think needs to be examined closely. It's time to develop our own skills so that we can be the hands, and shoulders, and heart of Jesus. The broken, the despised - whoever finds their way to us, there's a role for us. And this may mean we have to spend time and resources making sure we are appropriately qualified for this work.

Of course this doesn't mean we don't ever refer people for specialist help. We do. Neither does it mean those who offer specialised help outside of 'the church' are doing something wrong. Sometimes it is really helpful to meet with those with like problems or issues. I simply want to point out that we shouldn't underestimate our role, and responsibility within 'the church'.

Finally I want to say there is a danger of 'ghetto-ising' people - especially those who struggle with SSA, which really is unhelpful - and misguided. So I want to argue for integration. I'd like to see OSA (opposite sex attraction) individuals mentoring SSA (same sex attraction) mentees. I wonder if that wouldn't be the healthy beginning of understanding for both, and the start of tolerance?

Irish time

2008-03-18T06:46:00.001-07:00

You're never late in Africa (where I was born). Things happen when the sun comes up and when it goes down. Irish time is based on seasons, I'm convinced. Things are 'flat out' or 'stop'. Not everyone has watches in Africa - maybe that's a good thing. For people like me, the African time-clock is really frustrating. The Irish clock is slower than Africa's clock. My wife says I was born on January 5th because I couldn't wait. I hate waiting. I have to know what time it is.

Irish time, it seems to me, isn't much different from African time: it can take for ever. Two years ago I started talking to my church about people who struggle with homosexuality in the church, and how the church responds to this struggle, (or doesn't). I was challenged to articulate my thoughts and to 'envision' a ministry that might help the church to help those seeking support. I was struggling myself. I was proud of my document, and it was gracefully received. I felt affirmed: then deflated, then irritated, then sad, angry, lonely, despised, rejected. My own life was up and down, which could possibly have had something to do with the fact that no progress seemed to be made. (I know what you're thinking: "why do these people always expect everyone else to move at their pace?" I see your point). I have been open about my journey, and I shared some of my story once. Finally we (my wife and I,) were accepted into membership, and I felt sure now the heavens would open. They didn't.

Another year has passsed. We're still waiting. (I thought of entitling this blog "In memory of all those who died - waiting" (IN BOLD). All this definately has something to do with the fact that I have to learn to wait; it's also about the fact that new things take too long in the church! Anyway, the good news is, things are still on track. My bit of paper is still in its place in the pile. I don't know what white smoke looks like in County Down, but I guess I'll recognise it when it comes. I'm so grateful for those who have stood with me as we wait...

Living authentically

2008-03-17T06:13:00.001-07:00

St Patrick's Day. I'm not sure I know how to do this yet, but I'm glad we don't have any snakes in Ireland! I'm grateful for what he did there.

In our men's group, there's a lot of emphasis on living authentically, and learning to be vulnerable. I came to see that vulnerability for me is connected to isolation. If I don't connect to myself and to others, I'm vulnerable to SSA. Knowing that, I don't understand why I can so often allow myself to become isolated. The funny thing is, while its true we are all alone sometimes, we don't have to be isolated from ourselves. Yet this is the area where I fall down the most. Its easy for me to live 'in my head' rather than in my body. When I live in my head, I become vulnerable and my body craves an outlet and recognition. In that position my 'inner critic' also seems to be released, and I become my own worst enemy.

I like Hal and Sidra Stone's work, Embracing your Inner Critic (1993). According to them, the inner critic doesn't know when to stop. It really wants us to be okay in the world, but when it outgrows it's own purpose, real trouble begins. The inner critic:

kills our creativity - "why try? You'll fail anyway!"
is the source of low self-esteem. The inner critic constantly criticises us - how can we feel good?
is a source of shame. It is ashamed of the 'natural' you,
can make us depressed. When the inner critic runs our lives, and there is no alternative source of feedback and input, its easy to see why we become sapped and discouraged.

The problem is, as we grow and develop into adulthood we develop a personality that both protects us and makes us attractive to others. This helps us to avoid hurt. This personality is made up of subpersonalities or 'primary selves'. These primary selves, according to the Stones, move us away from our initial 'psychic fingerprint' and we adapt to the world around us. In short we lose authenticity, and renounce vulnerability. The point of all of this this is, if we become aware of these selves within us, by establishing an 'Aware Ego' we change the way they operate within us. Some of the primary selves are: the rule maker, the pleaser, the pusher, and the perfectionist. When they, or our 'Operating Ego' is in charge, we are not the ones in charge of our inner lives (Ibid., 12-19).

I'm trying to think of ways of staying in touch with my body, or my affect. I'm slowly coming to understand who my inner primary selves are, and realising that actually they aren't who 'I' am. I wonder if that's not a significant part of learning to live authentically?

The bee in my wee bonnet

2008-03-16T23:43:00.000-07:00

I'm not Irish, but I'm Irish in my heart. My granny was (like the rest of the world,) Irish. I'm allowed to live in Ireland. I like the Irish - they tell it like it is. This is my first post to reflect on my journey with 'the church', an Irish church - and I'd like say why this journey is important to me.

Lot's of people I know have given up with the church. They say 'Mike, you're wasting your time. Working with the church is just too hard. You don't need the church!" Their comments make me think of the many men and women I have known who are on the same journey as I am on: out of homosexuality. They're not Christians, some have no faith to name at all. Yet they seek (and find) what they long for - freedom from homosexual desire, arousal and expression, increasingly. This seems to reinforce the fact that 'we don't need the church'. Its true - the church isn't essential for the journey, and you don't have to be a Christian to experience change. I'd go as far as to say "stay away from some churches!" - if they don't want to journey with you that is.

My church is a safe place for me. I love my church. There have been those who have been there for me. Some of them are scared to death of me, but still others are like salve. They anoint my head with oil. So I want the church. I know I will never be healed in isolation. I need the church. I depend on it.

That's not to say that we always agree, me and my church. I remember the day, more than a year ago, when a national organisation had sent letters around to all the local churches warning them about the new 'Sexual Orietation Regulations' about to be introduced to Northern Ireland. The suggestion was that we write to MPs at Westminster to register our concern. The template provided (on the organisation's website, not by the church) helpful(?) advice about how to write in a balanced way: "We are all made in the image of God.... Gay people have a right to shop, have a bank account..."). The really strange thing for me, was that no one seemed to pick up on the fact that the SORs document itself failed to define what was meant by 'orientation'. (Now there would be some ammunition). It would have been a good idea to let people who live with these issues have a voice I think.

I remember seeing the Christians marching in London, and the hightened exchanges between different leaders...

and I thought to myself, I'm not fighting that war, that way. I remembered the story of the dower churchmen protesting in their dog collars outside of a court where two men had just registered their civil partnership: "Jesus loves you" they called, "yes he does" came the response, "but you don't!". Sounds like some truth somewhere in that.

Thing is, after all that SORs became law. There was another fight and some modifications were made after a High Court ruling here in Belfast. Both sides claimed a victory... I think there is a war to fight: I'm not on either side. I think its a different war, one that needs fighting in a different way - but that's for another day.